


Hot Potato

by Onehelluvapilot



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Basically they would all die for each other, But generally try to avoid doing so, Chaotic Good, Chimeras, Dumbasses, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Griffins, Gwaine Being Gwaine (Merlin), Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I mean Gwaine's involved so it's at least kind of funny, Lancelot (Merlin) Lives, Male Friendship, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Protective Lancelot (Merlin), Protective Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25450213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onehelluvapilot/pseuds/Onehelluvapilot
Summary: Basically, Merlin, Gwaine, and Lancelot get themselves temporarily banished from Camelot during a visit from some nobles because of their unique propensities for getting into trouble and are sent off on a quest that they think is going to be easy and harmless and turns out to not quite be.
Relationships: Gwaine & Lancelot & Merlin, Gwaine & Lancelot (Merlin), Gwaine & Merlin (Merlin), Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based primarily on this Tumblr post (https://comatose--overdose.tumblr.com/post/617736312402870272/why-werent-we-ever-shown-lancelot-and-gwaine) which reads "Why weren't we ever shown Lancelot and Gwaine teaming up with Merlin? The sheer unbridled CHAOS, the untold comedic DUMBFUCKERY, the absolute FERALITY of those three morons tossing their collective singular braincell back and forth between them like a goddamn hot potato. It would have been glorious."

“So let me get this straight,” Gwaine said, and Merlin giggled at his choice of words. “At various points in time, all three of us have had crushes on Gwen, Arthur, and the other two of us?” Lancelot nodded, but Merlin shook his head.

“Gwen and I are just friends,” Merlin corrected. “She had a crush on me for awhile I think, but I’m not really interested in girls.

“That’s valid and I respect it, but Guinevere isn’t just any woman, she’s....” Lancelot trailedd off as words failed in him describing the now Queen.

“She’s so lovely that even Arthur could see it, despite having his head stuck up his ass,” Gwaine supplied.

“You can’t help falling in love with her,” Lancelot agreed.

“You can’t help falling in love with anyone, Lance, that’s why you’re out here,” Merlin countered. 

The knight shrugged, admitting the truth to that. The three men weren’t riding through the woods just to gossip; Queen Mithian was visiting, along with much of her court, and so Arthur had quickly come up with a reason to get them out of town. Gwaine due to his atrocious manners, Merlin for his seemingly endless ability to offend nobility, and Lancelot because of his unfortunate habit of falling for almost everyone he laid eyes on. His good looks and lovely personality didn’t help matters, as most people couldn’t help but be charmed by him right back. Last time any nobles had visited Camelot, Arthur’s mediocre talents at mediation had been pressed to the limit when a disgruntled father realized Lancelot had been left unchaperoned with his daughter, though apparently the young woman had initiated the contact. They had barely avoided being forced to marry. The time before that, he’d allowed himself to become enamoured with a young duke, only to be caught with him by the fiance the knight hadn’t realized existed.

Lancelot’s and Gwaine’s exile was promised to last only until Queen Mithian departed, as opposed to the banishment each of them had suffered under Uther’s rule. Though those had turned out not to be so permanent either. For which Merlin was intensely grateful. As soon as he learned that Lancelot and Gwaine were being sent on a “quest,” he’d “accidentally” tripped and splashed wine over a noble. White wine, of course (he may be clumsy, but he wasn’t  _ rude _ ), but it was enough to convince Arthur to allow him to go with the knights. The three of them had packed enough supplies for a week long camping trip, which they all figured this would turn out to be.

Rumors had reached the castle of a beast in the southern reaches of the kingdom. At least, one little girl claimed to have seen a creature with the head of a snake and the body of a cat. The similarity of her description to a Questing Beast was the only reason the report wasn’t dismissed outright; no livestock had gone missing, no one else reported seeing anything, and no footprints or other evidence had been found. It was probably just a child with an overactive imagination and the three men were looking forward to a relaxing week.

“How did we get onto this topic again?” Lancelot wondered aloud, clearly trying to change the subject of conversation. 

“Gwaine called you a hopeless romantic,” Merlin said, not willing to let him off so easily.

“Ha, that’s rich, coming from you,” Lance retorted, turning to look at the other knight where he rode a little way’s behind.

“Hey, I can’t help my good looks any more than you can,” Gwaine said. He had a flower stuck behind his ear. When he had time to grab it was anyone’s guess.

“What about flirting with everything that moves, can you help that?” Merlin replied. The knight just shrugged and smiled. “If you two are so good at this, and you both liked each other, then answer me this: why did you never get together?”

“I believe the problem lay in the fact that Lancelot arrived with Percival,” Gwaine supplied. “And while my eyes were fixed upon the latter, Lance realized that despite my dashingly good look, I was not his type. Namely, my name ends with -aine and not -en.” Lancelot pointedly ignored that comment, staring straight ahead at the road instead of looking at either of his companions. “By the time Percy rejected me and I came to see Lancelot instead, he was back to pining instead of crushing on me, so we just kind of missed each other. It’s too bad; we could have been the most dashing couple in Camelot.”

“After Arthur and the Queen,” Lancelot corrected, and both Gwaine and Merlin rolled their eyes.

“Or Uther and the troll,” Merlin added and both knights turned to look at him.  
“I’m sorry, Uther and the what?” Lancelot asked.

“Leon has hinted at that story, but every time I press him on it he claims the memory is too terrible,” Gwaine added.

“Oh it was. Truly disgusting,” Merlin agreed. “The king actually forbade anyone to talk about it and ordered the incident erased from court records.”

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” Gwaine pressed, and that was all it took to get Merlin to spill the beans. Lancelot could tell the story was somewhat edited for magical content, but only because he knew Merlin and was used to his particular style of lying. Within a few minutes, Gwaine was laughing so hard that he fell out of his saddle and the three men had to make camp for the night due to his bruised backside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't have the rest of this fic plotted out or actually have anything beyond what you see here, so updates are probably gonna be slow goings. I normally try to at least have an outline before I post, but rereading this chapter made me laugh and I wanted to share it with y'all.


	2. Defenestration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no one actually gets thrown out a window in this chapter (they are in the middle of a forest) but it's mentioned and also my favorite word in the entire English language so I couldn't not use it as the chapter title.
> 
> In all seriousness though, this chapter is a bit more serious than the rest of the fic is going to be. There are mentions of Lancelot's family's death along with his time spent as a mercenary.

“And this is the stab wound I got in the barfight where I met Merlin and the Princess,” Gwaine announced, pulling up his pant leg to show off the scar in his thigh. Merlin had found some herbs and made a poultice for his bruises from falling off his horse, which of course then led to the knight taking off his shirt and showing off. “Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to ask about that scar on your forehead, Lancelot. Where’d you get it?”

“I don’t know. It’s been there ever since I was a child, so I assume I simply fell and hit my head as a baby.”

“Did you never ask your parents about it?” Gwaine asked casually. He didn’t seem to notice the sudden stiffness in Lancelot’s body, but Merlin did and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“They had passed away by the time I was old enough to wonder about it,” he explained euphemistically. Passed away was a much nicer way of saying slaughtered by bandits. “Please do not ask about my scars, Gwaine, they are not from heroic exploits like yours.”

“That’s not true!” Merlin immediately objected. He knew his friend was thinking about the time he had spent as a mercenary and a cage fighter and the ‘dishonorable’ wounds he’d received then. Though he was now a knight and fought for Camelot, innocent lives, and Arthur, he couldn’t seem to forget or forgive himself for the time he spent fighting for money and the entertainment of brutal men. “What about that scar on your side from when you defended me from the griffin? Or the one on your shoulder from the fight against the immortal army? I’d say those both count as heroic exploits.”

“They do indeed,” Gwaine agreed. He may not have known Lancelot as well as Merlin did, as the knight was not one to talk much about his past, but he could tell when the servant was trying to cheer him up from something. “Those certainly sound more heroic than falling out a window, if not so amusing.”

“Well, I might’ve gotten pushed out a window myself that one time,” Lancelot admitted, and the tone of the conversation immediately became more jovial as they swapped defenestration stories. The three men stayed up later than they would have on an actual quest and posted no watch. Together, they felt safe enough not to need a man on guard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have actually come up with a plot by now, which I am rather proud of and really looking forward to writing, so more chapters will be coming soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Whatever Merlin, Gwaine, and Lancelot were expecting to come of their mission, it was not a questing beast that stood as tall as their knees. They had reached the village where it had been spotted without difficulty and when they asked to see the little girl who claimed to have seen the creature, they were brought directly to her. Her name was Grace, and she was about ten but tall for her age, coming up to their shoulders. When they asked where and when she had last encountered the creature, they were alarmed to hear her say that very morning, and then deeply confused to be taken towards the barn.

“You are aware that we’re looking for a mythical beast, right?” Gwaine asked. “Body of a cat, head of a snake and all that?”

“Yes?” the girl agreed, looking at the knight with a matching look of bewilderment on her face like she didn’t get what it was that he didn’t understand. Merlin and Lancelot just glanced at each other and shrugged. The girl didn’t seem like an enemy sorcerer trying to lure them into a trap, and even if she was just messing with everybody, it wasn’t like she would be wasting valuable time. The three men followed her into the barn. “It’s kind of shy, so you’ll need to be quiet,” she informed them, dropping her voice to a whisper. Lancelot looked at both Gwaine and Merlin, as their reputations for ruining the element of surprise were well known, and to no one better than him. Fortunately, their ability for stealth was greatest when it seemed least needed, and despite all the straw dust floating around both of them managed not to sneeze until their quarry was in sight. “There it is!” Grace hissed, pointing into the corner of the barn after a few minutes.

It occurred to Merlin, as he watched what would have been a normal barn cat had its neck and head not been replaced by that of a grass snake, that nothing had been said of the creature’s size in any of the descriptions given of it. The knights had assumed that it was implied that the creature was massive and the girl must’ve thought that when they said ‘the body of a cat’ that they meant a house cat and not a leopard. The creature seemed to be hunting mice, a perfectly natural activity for a snake or a cat, and paid the humans no mind as it slunk through the hay.

Gwaine laughed out loud. “Merlin, from your stories I thought there was actually something to be scared of,” he teased. The warlock wasn’t quite as relieved.

“Just because it isn’t large doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous,” he countered.

“Elyan proves that,” Lancelot agreed lightly, but they all knew he wasn’t dismissing the warning.

“And it’s still a magical creature,” Merlin added, ignoring him anyway. “Even in a normal sized Questing Beast, it’s the venom, not the strength, that will kill you.”

“I thought you found a cure for its bite,” Gwaine asked, and Merlin cursed mentally hearing that. Arthur must’ve told the knight about his own experience with the beast when he was giving him the orders for the quest.

“Well, yes, but it’s from a very rare plant and I didn’t bring any with me, so please don’t get bitten,” Merlin begged. Lancelot glanced at him, asking his usual question of if there was more to the story, the answer to which was almost always yes. At least he knew he had an ally in trying to prevent Gwaine from getting himself killed.

“Anything for you, Merlin,” the flirty knight agreed, blowing him a kiss. “We should catch it.”

“What?” Merlin barked, but Lancelot was nodding and okay, maybe he wasn’t going to have help in keeping Gwaine from making bad decisions, because he was AGREEING WITH THEM. “No, deadly beast, should probably just kill it,” he countered.

“No, Gwaine’s got a point,” Lancelot agreed. “There’s only one questing beast on earth at a time, right? And once you kill one another one shows up. So if we capture this one and keep it alive, we’ll never have to deal with a big one ever again.”

"You two are insane. Let's do it."

“Grace,” Lancelot said, turning to their guide. “I notice that you seem acquainted with the cats of the barn. If this knowledge translates to this beast, do you have any advice you might offer us on how to catch it?” He had noticed as they approached the barn that several of the cats approached her, twining about her long legs in an apparent attempt to trip her, while they avoided the three men she brought with her. It was likely that she fed and tended to them and knew their hiding locations and routes.

“Well first,” she said, a mischievous gleam in her eye, “We’re gonna need a basket.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are deeply appreciated, including constructive criticism or basically anything you want to tell me about the fic/characters/etc.


End file.
